i hate today. practically nothing to do. experiencing situation of total boredom. someone save me.
dunno wats wrong. feeling bad and guilty, i guess. havent study the whole week. imagine, all the wasted time. dunno wat was i doing. damn. now, im again, reluctant to do anything. y? i dunno, i really dunno.
my com is on. i've open microsoft words, ready to do the gp reading threads. but after reading the question, i cant go on. i hate tis feeling. helplessness. useless.
wats wrong wif my head. i guess i slept wif my hair wet. damn. its all my own fault again.
lonely. feel tis way. attached to nothing, extracted from everyone, everything. look ard me. fading. its fading away. think about it. we're living in a world of illusions. we claim to be best of frens. but where am i when u need me? where are u when i need u. im talking to nobody. its illusions. we practically give everything a term, a name. but in actual fact, its just a claim. u can be my fren, my enemy, all that i can ever say. but they are all words. easily manipulated. we often say "i luv u, i miss u." but who knows its true? it becomes a cliche, which doesn't mean anything at all. stripped of its original meaning, lost its value. dead. it became words which are dead, lifeless and meaningless. thats y, choose words selectively. i only say them when i really meant them. others may cause them to lose its value. but im trying to retain that slightest bit thats left.
smile, like u've nv smiled before. like sunshine. drizzle and rain.
scattered petals of bloodroses ; 2:50 PM
Friday, September 01, 2006
hAh ! im back ! woo hoo~ eh.. im bored too. its getting sickening. u know, i guess studies affect u psychologically as well man. u know y?? haha. coz when u dun do ur homework, u will feel guilty and it bothers u the whole day or week, tormenting u with a loud shout out "quick finish me! u dumb lazy bum!". argh. brain-draining process. it kills my brain cells to write essays. especially with good selection of diction and connecting of sentences. darn. when will this end? hmm.. u know, this week, i din do any single homework. i felt like "wOo hOo~", haha. but of coz with valid reasons k. eh. the joy of juz relaxing. argh. i wan it so badly.
hMm.. y i din finish my homework???? hah. u wanna know y? my class had to stay back to ard 9plus to practice our performance on teachers' day for our form teacher, Mr Mahmood! c wat lovely students we are! haha. and wed, finishing bout like 8plus. i have lots of feelings bottled up with confusion, frustration and irritation. i have bout like three performance on teachers' day. The Aces day workout, Aces day dance and my class performance. Everytime, the Aces day dance practice clashes with my Musician's club practice on fri, causing me to not be able to go for the dance practice, till this wed which is the day b4 teachers' day. i have no choice, remember. so i had two practice on wed. and i told Hidayah who is in-charge of the dance that i had to go for the class practice b4 going for the dance. i know that she is angry. i dun blame her, seriously. but the class's inefficiency is getting me irritated. coz i have to rush back for the dance practice. but instead of working together, they were like talking and not paying attention to wat fad gotta say. in the end, we ended like 7plus, i guess. and i rushed off to hidayah. i ran while calling her, for goodness sake. finally, i found her and she said "now den u come.", coz she had already finished the practice. she passed me the cd and left. i felt so bad. so guilty for being irresponsible. but how can i be responsible if i had no choice. its either letting fad down(class performance) or hidayah(dance). im really sorry. i was left with the other dancers who were nice enough to go thru the steps with me. when we finally finished, i had to go home. but so unfortunately, it was raining and i had no choice but to bother my dad who just came back from china exactly on wed itself to fetch me home. i really felt so bad and exhausted.
when i reached home, i practiced dance for bout 1 hour plus, not forgetting that i have to plan my time well, due to the huge load of homework that is due on thurs. after i bathe, i packed my stuffs and rushed to do my homework. and u guess wat. while reading the TIME mag, i unknowingly fell asleep. darn. all i was thinking was "i've gotta finish it. no matter what!" but barely just minutes of reading again, i fell asleep again. finally, i realised it was like 1 plus and that im wasting my time. coz i have to sleep so that i have enough energy for tomorrow's performance.
set my alarm clock at 5am the next morning, to do my work and to get ready for the class practice at 7am. in the end, the alarm clock didn't ring at all. i woke up at 6am and realised im late. so rushed like crazy and had to bother my dad to fetch me to sch. i packed everything into my bag and carried my clothes for the performance in a hanger. den. i rush cher as well. but she got so upset and said "can u help me pack my bag while i wear my shoes?!" so i put everything down and packed for her. then, we rushed to sch. i reached sch punctually at 7am. and guess wat. only evelyn and yi-bin was there. i waited for the rest and got so upset. they were actually coming in so late. they were coming in at like 7.30 plus. and i havent even rehearse my dance with my dance members. and my head was spinning and throbbing like crazy. mass confusion and irritation.
den when the crowd was streaming into the hall due to the rain, we had to end our class performance. fad told us certain things like not to hurry and stuff, wat time to dress up and get ready. den i suddenly had the thought that my clothes for the performance wasn't on the floor. i rushed to my bag and all the area around it in search of my hanger with clothes. but to no avail. damn. i felt so lost. where are my clothes.?? i told cher and my tears just flowed out. i cant help it. i dont feel well. my head is in pain. i din felt confident bout the dance later without practice. im worried bout my costume. i felt so bad and exhausted. den cher immediately called my dad it ask if the clothes were in his car. but no. she called home for me. but my maid, damn it. she was blabbering nonsence again. up till today, her language, stil a mixture of english, chinese and cantonese. how to understand. den cher ask to wake my bro up and he searched the house, realiseing that it was on the clothes stand near the main door. it hit me that i left it hanging there due to helping cher to pack her bag. and we had to trouble dad to send it all the way to sch again. and the worst thing was dad was caught in a jam on the way to fetching mum to her office. finally during the leading of the crowd in the aces day performance, dad arrived at the main gate and i ran like crazy all the way there. dad and mum were so sweet. they felt so sad for me. and they wished me all the best for my performances later.
everything went accordingly. argh. finally all my troubles are over. nvm. im fine after i said everthing out. i just needed to say all out. but unfortunately, it only exist in the form of words targetting no one in particular. floating around, all sorts of direction, b4 it collects in the end of the room. an accumulation that will remain, or perhaps, even building up.
http://herblacksmudgedfingers.imeem.com/playlist/R5k4tL-H/